Do I have time to blog? No. Probably not, but I will try anyway.
I think this to myself on a regular basis and here I am in the midst of October.
October, Why must you drag on so long? Why can't we just get to the good part in the end. Oh, yeah. Because we need time to visit pumpkin patches, at least two festivals, buy/make costumes, attend parades, and... then there's work. Yes. Work. It has a life of its own, and it very well should since I watch over 90+ bodies a day. Human beings that I hope will one day do something great for humanity, or at least not mess things up. It's a huge responsibility, but I love it when things are going well and the little adults are learning as they should.
"What's your dream?" the Dada asks.
"I'm living it." I said.
I can't think of doing anything other than what I am already doing. But, I guess if we are talking dreams. I'd like to do what I am doing but be home more and have my own house. There. That's it. I know. I lack ambition. But teaching year after year is ambitious if you ask me, because it takes so much out of you physically and emotionally.
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Did I ever mention motherhood made me paranoid? I was always a worrywart, but motherhood turned on a whole other switch. I worry about my children. Always. I have gruesome thoughts and dreams about possible mishaps they could endure, and then I freak out. Sometimes I wonder if I can think these possible happenings away.
Last night I had a nightmare, A freaky one. I was holding the lifeless body of my youngest. I shook myself out of this nightmare as quickly as I could. I am the type of person that can never tell they are dreaming, and have awakened many a night with tears soaking my pillow. Why? Why did I have to have this nightmare? All I want to do is erase it from my mind, but it just sits there in the corner of my mind. Haunting and teasing that it knows my weakness.
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2 comments:
When I read your post, I immediately thought of one I'd written last year. Motherhood definitely flips a worry switch that sends me over the brink in nothing flat.
http://www.theamazingtrips.com/2009/09/whats-in-you-wednesday.html
I still have visions of that speeding car pulling the stroller out of my hand and flipping it HUNDREDS of meters down the street. With my babies inside. GAH. I'm sick just thinking of it now.
You're not alone. And as several people reassured me, I'm not alone, either. I think it has something to do with control. We realize that we are not 100% able to control everything that happens to our children that we love with everything we are, and THAT realization is terrifying. Those terrifying thoughts can play out at the most random times. When we're out walking - when we're sleeping - when we're just sitting around watching television or reading blogs.
Some days I wish I could just turn that switch off. It's always worse if I happen to have these thoughts in the middle of the night when its dark. Something about darkness amplifies it.
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